Summer of 2015, Chicago.
This is where it all began.
I met him a few months before, in California. We exchanged social media info (Snapchat), along with the new people I met that day. Those people became very important friends of mine.
We didn't properly talk until May, after he replied to one of my snaps. That was the beginning of our friendship.
For the first time in a long time I felt genuine happiness, and indeed I was. I couldn't explain how I felt, but it was different. I found someone who I could tell stuff that I haven't told my friends. I had shared my life story, and so did he.
Him and I became close and eventually became official.
There was a catch. He lived in Illinois, and little old me in Florida. Our distance was more than a thousand miles apart, and that was the hardest part in our relationship. Even though it was very difficult, I kept myself optimistic and I looked forward to the next time I'll see him. It was a brand new relationship, yet my attraction to him was becoming more than I had expected. Truthfully, I hadn't expected anything at all. I didn't expect he'd ask me to become his.
I had no experience in being in a relationship, a serious one to be exact. Everything felt surreal that I had to keep asking myself if it was real. It took me a while, but it eventually sink in. Not knowing anything, I just prayed that everything will be alright.
Everything felt really good. I love you's were said, and every single time I hear that my heart would skip a beat and I feel this tingling sensation in my tummy. Just like something out of a novel, right?
Las Vegas.
Back to Chicago.
It wasn't easy being in that kind of a relationship. But I took the risk, and continued to love him despite the distance. It wasn't always happy, but we got through them.
I changed and it was for the better. Acquaintances told me, I look prettier (hahaha). Maybe because I've been happy that I gained more confidence? Definitely. He helped me with a lot of things, and for that I'll always be grateful. He was always there, and I'll always love him for that.
San Jose, 2016.
I had the greatest time on that trip. I was overflowing with happiness...
And I should've realized then. Every time I become too happy, nature always has its way to balance it out. Something doesn't want me to be always happy.
It was last time we saw each other...
And on June, the summer of this year, he ended our relationship.
Before that, throughout the month of May, I suffered a little bit of depression. It was kinda bad because (already) at the same time there was no sign of warmth coming from him. That added to the stress I'm trying to deal with.
So when it happened, my world crumbled.
Dreams and hopes crushed, and I eventually lost myself.
Nothing indeed lasts forever.
Love and optimism couldn't compete with someone who already fell out of love, so the only possible way was to give up.
And I did, with a heavy heart, I gave up.
My friend's always asking how I'm doing and I'd answer I'm fine. I'm great at showing a completely different side of me to other people.
Another me that's free of problems. Another me that's just always smiling.
But, that 'me' is someone I do not know.
The 'me' that I created to help me cope.
My life has been all over the place since then. It's been difficult. I turned cold. I didn't want to do anything at all. All the positivity I have disappeared.
Eventually I succumbed to depression, but nobody really knew that, until now.
Business, work, and other relationships have been affected.
The negativity that spiraled my thoughts were too much.
I didn't know if I could make it. I didn't how to handle this kind of thing, but there was something I was sure of.
I wanted something new and fresh.
Two months later,
Summer of August 2016, Chicago.
I came back to the city that held so many memories. It was hard because there were still lingering emotions.
But, I went there for a completely different reason. It was to have fun and meet up with childhood friends that I have not seen for such a long time. It was also there that I came to terms with my feelings and reality. I left those crushed dreams and hopes in Chicago, letting it get swept away by its powerful wind.
And for the first time that summer, I felt a small spark ignite within me. It's still small, but I could feel it. Knowing that I've felt it, I know that everything will be alright. Not right now, but soon...
And I can't wait for that moment when I can finally stand on my own and look ahead to more opportunities.
Life if full of those anyway.
Love,
Phyllz, le petite wanderer,
le petite survivant
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